Am I Mistaken?

You know, I try to keep up with the news daily just to get an idea of what's going on in the world and I tell you everyday it gets more depressing. Senator Barack Obama once inspired me to have the audacity to hope that this country could positively change with the help of ordinary people. I hope that I'm not losing that hope. I am 20 years old and I have lived in America all of my life. As an American I have lived a wonderful life but 2 years ago something changed in me and I began to notice that the wonderful country that I lived in, was not as wonderful as I would have thought. Don't get me wrong, I do love living here. I love the beautiful diversity of the cultures, languages, customs, and expressions. I love the great breadth of variety in food, dances, songs, and artwork. I love the creativity that fuels are ever changing and evolving technologically advanced society. I love waking up and knowing that I am safe and secure, at least somewhat in my own apartment, and in my own room. I love going to school and learning about the great history of my people and where I originated from. I love learning but at the same time I hate it. I hate knowing that there are good people but they are vastly outnumbered by terribly evil people. I hate knowing that there are people that actually find pleasure in wrecking terror and pain on others. I hate knowing that there are people who hate me and people who look like me, simply because of the color of my skin, the way I carry myself, and for who I am. I hate knowing that when I graduate I will have to compete with people who have had a 5, 10, 15, 20, 50, 100, 250, and 500 year head start in terms of access to resources, information, and privilege. I hate knowing that before I even get started I am light years behind. I hate knowing that despite all of the amazing things I do in this world, nothing will ever really matter. I hate knowing that the beautiful country that I live in with its majestic mountainsides, picturesque ocean fronts, and amazing sunsets, is ran by people who could care less about anyone but themselves. Honestly I do want to see change in the world. And like Ghandi once said I am trying my best to be that change. I am trying my best to do it and not just talk about it and everyone around me tells me that I will play an important role in instrumenting that change. But honestly I don't know if it will be enough. I don't know if I will be enough. I know that I have a great purpose in the world but I don't know if even that will matter. The problems are so large. One professor from Morehouse College once challenged me to think on a global scale. And I truly do want to meet that challenge but the problems facing the world are so insurmountable. But like MLKJ once said, I have a dream. But my dream is a little different. I imagine a world of peace and faith, a world of hope, a world of fairness and true justice. I envision a world fueled by love, peace, and hope rather than greed, money, and corruption. I dream of a world of true beauty and wonder not terror and destruction. I envision leaders of true character and morals not false charisma and propaganda. I dream of a world where boys and girls can truly dream to be and do anything that their hearts desire regardless of socially constructed gender roles, race, creed, or ethnicity, or sexual preferences or orientation. Most of all I dream of a world where everything that is done is done for the Creator, to honor and glorify the one who made it all possible. Perhaps this is an audacious dream. Maybe my college education is making me extremely idealistic. Maybe this will never happen. Maybe it will. Who knows? But everyone can dream a little right? I dream big.

Sincerely,

RKNJ

Who Would Have Thought?

Folks, today is now officially the third last day of the year and in the American tradition, I am now beginning to examine myself and this past year and I am realizing all of the things that I would like to change about myself in the year to come. I am planning for 2008 to be a great year. I will be turning 21, starting my Senior Year of college at UCM, applying to and beginning my internship in Washington, D.C., taking the LSAT and applying to law school, and a host of other endeavors.

This is a tremendous milestone for me and I am very excited. The road to 2008 has been a very turbulent and rocky one and through the past three years a lot has changed in my life both for the good and the bad. I lost and regained relationships with my family and friends, I found the courage to accept a leadership position at school, ran for student body president, held a part-time job, and managed to balance 16+ credit hours of school each semester. I have learned valuable lessons about life with my getting my first apartment, paying bills, budgeting my money, traveling and meeting new people across the country, participating in a pre-law summer institute in Illinois, learning to share my space with roommates, and learning how to effectively work in a group. But throughout it all the qualities that I have developed have shaped the man that I am becoming and will be for the rest of my life.

Since Freshman year, I have been on a long journey of self discovery, searching for self confidence and acceptance in this crazy world as a black man in America. My college experience allowed for the natural leader within me to shine and although I was struggling with my own internal social, emotional, sexual, and mental insecurities, I was able to find inner peace to effectively execute the tasks that I felt were important. However, in the process I think that I neglected all of the inner issues in my life and tried to hide them and shut them away in a little box.

In the process, I masked them with self confidence, conviction, assurance, pride, and perhaps arrogance in my other abilities, my talents, my intellect, and natural gifts. My hope for 2008 is that I can find a healthy balance in my life in terms of my social, emotional, mental, and sexual well-being while not compromising my academic, professional, and career goals. As the ambitious person that I am, I have never been one to devote unnecessary time and energy to tasks or pastimes that I felt were unworthy. However, for the sake of my spiritual and physical growth in the new year I plan to do some serious self evaluation and prayer to ensure that I continue to evolve into a positive and peaceful individual that loves self, others, and God and offers something valuable to my family, community, and the world.

Flaws and All

I don't want to sound corny but Beyonce's song Flaws and All is so true. That song is so beautiful and it actually reminds me of my relationship with God. Although I hardly would profess to be the most devoutly committed Christian, I definitely do have a relationship with a higher power and at times when I don't know or understand why He does the things that he does, I stop and think to myself that He is God. If He did the things that He does for a reward or recognition who would be the one to pat Him on the back? So despite me inequity and constant faults, He will never stop loving me and blessing me. Today Tiffany told me that I was going to be rewarded for the positive things that I do for God and honestly it surprised me because I wasn't expected anything for my work. It was just assumed that I would do what I do and it really took me back for a second. God is so good and although I definitely wasn't in a predicament or anything like that it, it was definitely wonderful to know that I was appreciated. It's little things like that, that give me the strength to go on and to continue to do the work of the Lord.

Sincerely,

RKNJ

Learning to Love

Tuesday December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas! Today was such an interesting day. For one, it was the first Christmas that I spent with my family on the East Coast since I graduated from High School. My family looks so beautiful and it was so great to see everyone. The older folks haven't changed that much but the younger ones have grown so much in these past few years its incredible. I'm slowly finishing up Harris' memoir, "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and it has inspired me so much. Now I feeling like I am ready to start formulating my first novel but I know that, that is such a huge undertaking and with studying for the LSAT, getting ready to start my application for the UCDC application, and getting ready for my last semester of my Junior Year, I know that I am going to be pressed for time. I am so proud of myself for how well I did this first semester. I only hope that I can do even better next semester. I was so close to a 4.0 I could taste it.



Winter vacation has allowed me to reflect on not only this past year but these past two years and how far I've come and how much I am growing. I am very excited about 2008 and the next stage of life that I am about to enter. I hope to progress over the course of the last week of 2007 and to began adopting techniques and strategies that will improve how I communicate and how I influence other people.

Hopefully with a new attitude I can produce better results and have better outcomes. This is especially important to me because whether I like it or not I am a role model and people look up to me. I must be a man of my word and I must live a life that is favorable in the eyes of God. I am so glad that I had the conversation with Tenesha that I did. It really renewed my faith in Christianity at a time when I was considering denouncing my religion. She is such a beautiful person inside and out and God is working wonders in her life as well. It has been such a blessing to have the opportunity and the means to spend so much time with people that mean so much to me.


Sincerely,

RKNJ

P.S.

Below are some past blogs from when I didn't have an internet connection. Feel free to catch up so you can have a better idea of what's going on in my life...

Sunday December 16, 2007

I finally got my mac today!! I am so excited and happy I don't know what to do! It's
everything I could have dreamed of and more. I am so blessed! God is good! Tonight was my first night back in Orange County since August and I can honestly say that it's starting out a lot better than usual. For one my father and I had the first honest conversation in a long while tonight at IHOP after he picked me up from the Amtrak train station. I don't know what prompted it but I suppose we both felt like talking and obviously we had a lot on our hearts and minds.The train ride was pleasant I suppose. It seemed like it took forever because I had to wait at Union Station for a bit but other than that I didn't have too many issues. Jasmine took me to the train station and stayed the entire time until my train arrived.

It seems that ever since we had that talk she has become such an incredible friend. She even let me drive her car to work one afternoon. But back to the conversation with my father. I don't know exactly how to feel about it but I'm glad we talked though. It definitely is a positive start for a relationship that needs much work.

Sincerely,

RKNJ



Monday December 24, 2007

Sometimes when I'm as bored as I've ever been I find myself going back to what I love the most...writing. Writing to me is the most basic of human actions and the ability to conceive of words and to record them is one of my most proud talents. I am so blessed to have the ability to express myself through writing and it is something that I wish I could find the time to do it my busy life. The life of a college student is definitely a strenuous state of existence but I am so proud of myself for
enduring it and performing so well under so much pressure.

Today is Christmas Eve and I am spending this wonderful night with my beautiful mother, the woman who has sacrificed so much so that I my might be successful and happy. We are having a wonderful time, talking, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. Earlier she gave me a pedicure and although it wasn't as beautiful as I've grown accustomed to, it meant the world to me. Right now I'm starting to choke up because I feel so much love for her and it makes me so emotional. I can feel God working in my life and I am overwhelmed by the wonder of His work. Right now she's cooking dinner for tomorrow, simply because I asked her, and although I had to pay for the food, it doesn't bother me a bit. I am eternally grateful for everything that she has done for me. I am the person that I am today because of my mother.

On the other hand I am really concerned with the state of my relationship with my sister, Tiffany. When we were younger, we were so close and sometimes we have moments where it feels like those days. But ever since I went off to college she has harbored resentment towards me and we have not been able to get along. She always has an attitude whenever I'm around and sometimes it seems like whatever I say or do to her causes a negative chain of events. Since I've been home everything I have spent time with her it has went sour and I am at a point right now where I don't want to see her anymore, at least for a while.

Basically I have gotten to the point where I am cool off of her and it makes me feel bad because I know how important she is to me and it hurts me that she doesn't feel the same way toward me as I do toward her. I feel like whenever she needs me I am there for me but she does not provide me with the same support. I feel like she doesn't even care how I am doing or what's going on in my life. Simply put, I feel like she is mirror of me and I don't know how to communicate with myself. This situation has really concerned me because she magnifies all of the characteristics about myself that cause problems in my life. The characteristics that I hate about myself, seem to manifest themselves in incredible amounts in her and it bothers me so much. Nothing or no one else matters to her except her and despite how everyone around her treats her, she can do nothing but treat everyone poorly.

As the intellectual scholar that I am, I have a natural desire to try to examine and analyze her and to attempt to solve her problems for her. Although I know that I cannot do this, I still have the desire. I want more than anything to fix her so that she can be the positive Tiffany, that I need her to be and I know that I don't have the power to do this. I must surrender this desire to God and pray that it is in His will that Tiffany be molded and shaped into a woman of God and that His light shines through her and illuminates me as well.

Sincerely,

RKNJ

Accepting People as They Are and Not Letting It Get To You

I am having such a great time in Virginia chilling with my family and friends.  I feel like this trip was so necessary at this point in my life.   School has been going very well but the longer I am in California, the more I realize that California is not the place that I want to be for the rest of my life.  My experience has been such an incredible one but I have also adapted to the lifestyle there in a way that directly conflicts with my morals and values.  Coming back to Virginia has allowed me to revisit my foundation and become grounded in the reason I went to California in the first place which was to successfully accomplish my academic and professional goals and aspirations, not to become immersed in a superficial culture and lifestyle.  

The only problem that I have had, is my relationship with a certain member of my immediate family thus the title of this blog.  It has become so hard for me to simply accept people as they are and not let how they respond to me affect how I react.   For the past two years I have experienced relationships flourish and fail miserably and I am slowly coming to the realization that it is the way that I have been responding to people that has caused issues not necessarily the people themselves.  I must learn to accept that people are human and are bound to have issues and that I do not have any control over that.  The only thing that I can control is how I respond to their issues and everything else I must take to the Lord.  I am so excited for the rest of my vacation.  My hopes are that I have an awesome time fellow-shipping with family and friends, that I don't spend too much money, and that I do my best to behave appropriately and respectively to everyone that I come into contact with.  I honestly want this time to be a drama and stress free time and I am going to do my best to ensure that, that is a reality. Wish me luck!

Sincerely, 

RKNJ