Learning to Love

Tuesday December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas! Today was such an interesting day. For one, it was the first Christmas that I spent with my family on the East Coast since I graduated from High School. My family looks so beautiful and it was so great to see everyone. The older folks haven't changed that much but the younger ones have grown so much in these past few years its incredible. I'm slowly finishing up Harris' memoir, "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted," and it has inspired me so much. Now I feeling like I am ready to start formulating my first novel but I know that, that is such a huge undertaking and with studying for the LSAT, getting ready to start my application for the UCDC application, and getting ready for my last semester of my Junior Year, I know that I am going to be pressed for time. I am so proud of myself for how well I did this first semester. I only hope that I can do even better next semester. I was so close to a 4.0 I could taste it.



Winter vacation has allowed me to reflect on not only this past year but these past two years and how far I've come and how much I am growing. I am very excited about 2008 and the next stage of life that I am about to enter. I hope to progress over the course of the last week of 2007 and to began adopting techniques and strategies that will improve how I communicate and how I influence other people.

Hopefully with a new attitude I can produce better results and have better outcomes. This is especially important to me because whether I like it or not I am a role model and people look up to me. I must be a man of my word and I must live a life that is favorable in the eyes of God. I am so glad that I had the conversation with Tenesha that I did. It really renewed my faith in Christianity at a time when I was considering denouncing my religion. She is such a beautiful person inside and out and God is working wonders in her life as well. It has been such a blessing to have the opportunity and the means to spend so much time with people that mean so much to me.


Sincerely,

RKNJ

P.S.

Below are some past blogs from when I didn't have an internet connection. Feel free to catch up so you can have a better idea of what's going on in my life...

Sunday December 16, 2007

I finally got my mac today!! I am so excited and happy I don't know what to do! It's
everything I could have dreamed of and more. I am so blessed! God is good! Tonight was my first night back in Orange County since August and I can honestly say that it's starting out a lot better than usual. For one my father and I had the first honest conversation in a long while tonight at IHOP after he picked me up from the Amtrak train station. I don't know what prompted it but I suppose we both felt like talking and obviously we had a lot on our hearts and minds.The train ride was pleasant I suppose. It seemed like it took forever because I had to wait at Union Station for a bit but other than that I didn't have too many issues. Jasmine took me to the train station and stayed the entire time until my train arrived.

It seems that ever since we had that talk she has become such an incredible friend. She even let me drive her car to work one afternoon. But back to the conversation with my father. I don't know exactly how to feel about it but I'm glad we talked though. It definitely is a positive start for a relationship that needs much work.

Sincerely,

RKNJ



Monday December 24, 2007

Sometimes when I'm as bored as I've ever been I find myself going back to what I love the most...writing. Writing to me is the most basic of human actions and the ability to conceive of words and to record them is one of my most proud talents. I am so blessed to have the ability to express myself through writing and it is something that I wish I could find the time to do it my busy life. The life of a college student is definitely a strenuous state of existence but I am so proud of myself for
enduring it and performing so well under so much pressure.

Today is Christmas Eve and I am spending this wonderful night with my beautiful mother, the woman who has sacrificed so much so that I my might be successful and happy. We are having a wonderful time, talking, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. Earlier she gave me a pedicure and although it wasn't as beautiful as I've grown accustomed to, it meant the world to me. Right now I'm starting to choke up because I feel so much love for her and it makes me so emotional. I can feel God working in my life and I am overwhelmed by the wonder of His work. Right now she's cooking dinner for tomorrow, simply because I asked her, and although I had to pay for the food, it doesn't bother me a bit. I am eternally grateful for everything that she has done for me. I am the person that I am today because of my mother.

On the other hand I am really concerned with the state of my relationship with my sister, Tiffany. When we were younger, we were so close and sometimes we have moments where it feels like those days. But ever since I went off to college she has harbored resentment towards me and we have not been able to get along. She always has an attitude whenever I'm around and sometimes it seems like whatever I say or do to her causes a negative chain of events. Since I've been home everything I have spent time with her it has went sour and I am at a point right now where I don't want to see her anymore, at least for a while.

Basically I have gotten to the point where I am cool off of her and it makes me feel bad because I know how important she is to me and it hurts me that she doesn't feel the same way toward me as I do toward her. I feel like whenever she needs me I am there for me but she does not provide me with the same support. I feel like she doesn't even care how I am doing or what's going on in my life. Simply put, I feel like she is mirror of me and I don't know how to communicate with myself. This situation has really concerned me because she magnifies all of the characteristics about myself that cause problems in my life. The characteristics that I hate about myself, seem to manifest themselves in incredible amounts in her and it bothers me so much. Nothing or no one else matters to her except her and despite how everyone around her treats her, she can do nothing but treat everyone poorly.

As the intellectual scholar that I am, I have a natural desire to try to examine and analyze her and to attempt to solve her problems for her. Although I know that I cannot do this, I still have the desire. I want more than anything to fix her so that she can be the positive Tiffany, that I need her to be and I know that I don't have the power to do this. I must surrender this desire to God and pray that it is in His will that Tiffany be molded and shaped into a woman of God and that His light shines through her and illuminates me as well.

Sincerely,

RKNJ